First: Free Press Sunday Comedy is back on May 17, with Judy Gold as emcee and a great lineup: Casey Balsham, Drew Dunn, Andy Haynes, Ian Lara, and Mike Yard. Doors open at 3:30 p.m. and close at 4:00 p.m. sharp—and you’re out by 5:30. Afternoon comedy at the Comedy Cellar and then you’re in bed by 8 p.m.? What’s not to love? Grab your tickets here.

And if your tastes skew less “ha ha” and more “drop and give me 50”: Aaron MacLean and historian Niall Ferguson are bringing the School of War podcast to the iconic New York Historical on May 19 for a special live recording. If you want to steal some talking points to elucidate on “the war,” this is your chance. Tickets here.

Let’s get to the news.

→ Iran was two weeks away from killing you: As schoolchildren gathered around to witness President Donald J. Trump reinstating the Presidential Physical Fitness Award to celebrate kids and athleticism, Trump gave some remarks.

Here is what the president said, as those kids stood around ready to accept a Sharpie, or be given two minutes to climb a very high rope:

“We just broke every record and now we’re gonna take a hit, because we have to make a journey down to Iran to take the nuclear weapon. They would’ve had a nuclear weapon within two weeks. Remember, we sent that beautiful B-2 bomber in? We blew up their nuclear potential. It was obliterated, for those that are not aware. To a point where it would take ’em weeks to dig down, and we wouldn’t let ’em dig down. We have our eyes on there all the time. But it was a very important thing. So, we would’ve had an Iran with a nuclear weapon, and maybe we wouldn’t all be here right now. I can tell you the Middle East would’ve been gone, Israel would’ve been gone. And they would’ve trained their sights on Europe first and then us, because they’re sick people. These are sick people. And we’re not gonna let lunatics have a nuclear weapon. The power of a nuclear weapon is something I don’t even want to talk about. It’s not gonna happen.”

Okay, kids, back to class now! You met the president. It went very well, didn’t it? I think so...