Your friend married a dud. Double dating can still be fun.
If you are my friend and, after reading this, you ask me if I like your spouse, I’ll say yes. The truth is, I might not. None of my friends are married to terrible people, but some partners are just more fun (to me) than others. And it’s tricky when you or your partner has a good friend whose other half necessitates breathing exercises. Many of us dream of having couple friends everyone gels with, but those situations are actually rare. “You are lucky if you end up with two or three couples like that in a lifetime,” said Richard Slatcher, a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia who has studied couple friendships and their long-term relationship benefits. More often, when couples get together, somebody is making a sacrifice out of love. “If you’re going to be married, you’re going to have to compromise and be a good sport in these situations,” said Dr. Jacqueline Olds, a part-time associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School who has been married for 47 years. You don’t have to resign yourself to a miserable time, though. These tips will help. Pick the right activityHaving dinner with someone who never lets anyone else talk will only make the night harder. “Maybe this is a couple you go to a basketball game or a concert with,” Dr. Slatcher said. The same applies to the constant complainers; cater the outing to their interests — a favorite cuisine, an art exhibit — and they might liven up. Don’t cook for someone who you already resent having to spend time with, Dr. Olds said. “Make as much about the occasion easy on yourself, so that you don’t feel put upon.” If a couple tends to overstay their welcome, suggest dinner at their house so you can leave when you want, said Kristina Brown, the chair of the marriage and family therapy department at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. Dr. Brown has a standing movie date with friends and spouses, which alleviates stress around planning. “Some weeks, everyone comes,” she said. “Some weeks, it’s just two or three women. Then we go to dinner and talk about the movie.” Partners can pop in or not, and there’s less pressure around scheduling when it’s routine. Focus on your own partnerDr. Slatcher’s research suggests that having couple friends benefits your own relationship. When a double date goes well, “couples feel closer to their own romantic partners, because they see them through others’ eyes,” he said. Having a common goal — say, not getting baited into a political debate — gives you the chance to communicate beforehand. “Be in cahoots,” Dr. Olds said. “Say to your partner, ‘When so-and-so takes us into a controversial area, will you help me by changing the subject?’” Strategizing can also prevent scenes like one that has played out in my house: My husband criticizes an annoying friend whom I also find annoying but then feel the need to defend. When we game out the night beforehand, we’re less likely to argue later. Look at the big pictureRemember, you aren’t married to this difficult person. You can survive an hour or two with them every few months. “Can you make the best of it for the sake of your partner or your friend because it’s important to them?” Dr. Brown asked. Nine times out of 10, you can focus on the friend you enjoy, Dr. Olds said. Your friend probably knows that her spouse can be a downer. Planning the occasional double date is an act of generosity. And for what it’s worth, how do we know we’re not the spouse that someone is dreading? I’d want my hosts to heed this advice from Dr. Olds: “Almost everybody has some qualities that are likable. You’ve just got to find them.” Like this email?
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Ask the Therapist: My Friend Is Getting Married. Should I Skip the Wedding for a Concert?In this week’s column, a reader tells Lori Gottlieb that her friend’s upcoming wedding will conflict with her annual getaway. Single and pained by professions of love at weddings, the reader wonders whether she can share her dilemma with the bride. Read the story: I’m Unhappily Single. Do I Have to Attend My Friend’s Wedding? The Week in WellHere are some stories you don’t want to miss:
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