This week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ is about how Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway has a website from the 1990s and fans say don’t mess with it. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET today, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

Now: News!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

What’s the stock market up to, eh?*

$SPX ( ▲ 1.46% )   $DJI ( ▲ 1.24% )   $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

  $JPM ( ▲ 1.78% )   $UAL ( ▲ 6.8% )   $CCL ( ▲ 6.79% )   $RCL ( ▲ 8.75% )   $AMD ( ▲ 18.62% )   $SMCI ( ▲ 24.54% )   $NVDA ( ▲ 5.77% )   $CVS ( ▲ 7.65% )   $UBER ( ▲ 8.53% )   $DIS ( ▲ 7.54% )   $GME ( ▲ 3.88% )  

JP Morgan offered $1 million to settle lawsuit

Wall Street loves a giant hush-money check, and JPMorgan Chase $JPM ( ▲ 1.78% ) recently offered a cool $1 million to a former investment banker, Chirayu Rana, to quietly settle his incredibly lurid sexual assault and racial discrimination claims. Spoiler alert: He rejected the offer, countered with a demand for $11.75 million, and now the entire mess has become a viral spectacle, reports the Wall Street Journal.

The bank claims its internal investigation found absolutely no merit to Rana's allegations. So why the seven-figure offer? A JPMorgan spokesman graciously explained: “We did try to reach an agreement to avoid the time and expense of litigation and to support an employee who was being threatened with the very reputational harm now unfolding. We continue to believe these allegations have no merit and new information raised as a result of the public filing only reinforces that conclusion.” 

Because paying out a million bucks for "meritless" accusations is totally standard practice. The accused female banker, Lorna Hajdini, isn't having it either. Her lawyers told the journal she “continues to categorically deny the allegations. She never dated this individual, never had a sexual or romantic encounter with him of any kind, and never gave him any drugs. She maintains that his false claims are entirely fabricated and tarnishing her reputation.”

Now, thanks to the internet's insatiable appetite for chaos, this failed hush-money attempt has morphed into AI-generated video reenactments across X and Instagram, becoming prime fodder for podcasters and, of course, cheesecasters like yours truly. The tweet above is the least lurid I could find, honestly. Have fun going down the rabbithole if you dare…

Quote of the Day

Stocks rally on hopes of reopening Hormuz

Global stock markets surged past their records yesterday as oil prices sank, driven by hopes that the U.S. and Iran might reach a deal to reopen the Strait of Hormuz to commercial shipping. Easing oil prices provided a massive boost to companies with heavy fuel costs: United Airlines $UAL ( ▲ 6.8% ) flew, Carnival $CCL ( ▲ 6.79% ) rose with the tide, and Royal Caribbean $RCL ( ▲ 8.75% ) partied.

Beyond the geopolitical optimism, strong corporate earnings fueled the rally. The AI boom continues to reward investors, with AMD $AMD ( ▲ 18.62% ) , ahem, surging and Super Micro Computer $SMCI ( ▲ 24.54% ) coming in hot. Nvidia $NVDA ( ▲ 5.77% ) , the poster child of the AI revolution, also did the robot.

Other major players saw significant action. CVS Health $CVS ( ▲ 7.65% ) had healthy gains on strong first-quarter results, and Uber Technologies  $UBER ( ▲ 8.53% ) drove (get it?) higher after an upbeat bookings forecast.

Feel free to submit your stock puns to the haiku competition address, just for a laugh.

Musk settles with the SEC over Twitter boo boo

Elon Musk has officially closed the book on his latest legal drama with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission regarding his 2022 takeover of Twitter (now X).

The agency's lawsuit accused the billionaire of conveniently waiting 11 days too long to disclose his initial 5% stake in the platform. This filing delay allegedly allowed Musk to quietly scoop up more than $500 million in shares at artificially low prices, saving him a cool $150 million at the expense of unsuspecting investors.

To make the headache go away, a trust in Musk's name will hand over a $1.5 million civil penalty. While this technically marks the largest SEC fine in history for this specific type of violation, Musk settles without admitting any wrongdoing and, best of all, doesn't have to surrender a dime of the money he supposedly saved. Considering his staggering $789.9 billion net worth, the fine is literal pocket change: If your net worth were $500,000, it’s the equivalent of being fined 95 cents.

Musk previously claimed the delay was just an inadvertent mistake (perhaps he was high on Ketamine?), accusing the SEC of targeting his free speech. Taking a victory lap, his lawyer Alex Spiro said: "Mr. Musk has now been cleared of all issues related to the late filing of forms in the Twitter acquisition, as we said from the outset he would be.”