Premier League’s bully boys kill the romance in Europe’s hip competitions

Those of a Liverpool persuasion, do look away now. That’s if you’ve sobered up from last Sunday, but even if you’ve had your fun this may annoy: there’s a thought this has been an unsatisfying Premier League season. Brentford’s beating of Nottingham Forest on Thursday night further dulled the romance. It looks as if the Tricky Trees will not now be in Bigger Cup, much to the chagrin of edit producers who had already started working on that Cloughie montage. With zero relegation battle there’s only Manchester City’s fall from grace to, er, fourth to gawp at. Thank goodness for the continent, then, where the Premier League’s brave boys can remind those Eurocrats that ours is the best bloody league in the world. It’s going well, actually, though there is something of a bullies turning up at junior school vibe to such success. That’s to set aside Arsenal, hanging on in Bigger Cup’s semis, a goal down despite the fear North London Forever must have put into PSG at the Emirates.

The real quiz comes in those tournaments where appeal is more selective. Bigger Vase, a repechage of those not good enough for the top tier, offered double helpings of patriotic pride. In north London, in the first leg, billionaire-owned Tottenham faced hipster’s favourites Bodø/Glimt, the Arctic Circle community club who sound like a post-rock outfit on the Thrill Jockey label or a piece of Scandi self-assembly furniture, and won 3-1. Such is the pessimism that surrounds Spurs that much of the focus went on Ulrik Saltnes’s late goal, and the plastic pitch greeting them next week in far-northern Norway. “Look, it is on artificial grass but it’s still a game of football,” roared Ange Postecoglou.

Hurrah also then for Manchester United, football’s grandest crisis club, owned by two separate billionaire factions, for crushing Basque Country jewel Athletic Club, a team collated by cantera – homespun talent – rather than hoofing cash on windy flops, 3-0 in their own stadium. Beaten-down Reds were wiping their eyes in disbelief that Ruben Amorim’s team played so well. Where did that come from? Big Red seem to have developed a welcome habit of getting an opponent sent off. This time, it was Athletic’s Dani Vivian, dismissed for hauling back Rasmus Højlund in the style of a slapstick early-1980s yoof comedy.

To complete the matchbox of England’s glory, Chelsea, also owned by billionaires – of the venture capitalist variety – beat Djurgården 4-1 in Stockholm. A plastic pitch proved no issue for Enzo Maresca’s entertainers as they walloped a team where the fans come first, just the type of minnows that Tin Pot is supposed to bring the best from, like a Scania artic rolling over roadkill. Well done, he’s 13.

Join Taha Hashim at 8pm (BST) for Manchester City 0-0 Wolves in the Premier League.

We’ve had some difficult results, we are bottom of the league and we were never going to become solid and be dominant in the game. If we did that when I came in with seven games to go, I’d probably be able to bring world peace as well” – interim manager Simon Rusk on how he would have been worthy of a Nobel prize if he’d managed to coach a bit of backbone into his rock-bottom Southampton side.

The potential Tottenham Hotspur or Spurs v Manchester United Bigger Vase final is going to be that paradox of a clash between one that can’t win and one that doesn’t want to win” – Krishna Moorthy.

As noticed by me and 1,056 others, your Memory Lane (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition) photo of Tony Hateley and Emlyn Hughes reminds me of the great Ted Lowe commentary: ‘For those of you watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green’” – Louis Beasley-Suffolk.

Sorry, I disagree with with you, Tom Dowler (yesterday’s Football Daily letters). Riqui Puig was unfortunately injured, and seems to spend most of his time being largely nice, if a bit puppyish and over enthusiastic. John Terry got himself banned from the final by being a divot in the semi. Can we please keep Terry as the epitome of the full-kit celebration? It is the very least he deserves. Plus, I don’t care who wins Bigger Cup now, but I do want someone to slip on their ar$e, c0ck up a penalty and start crying so we can bring that up again too” – Jon Millard.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Louis Beasley-Suffolk. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, can be viewed here.

Labelling a win as “seismic” has become a lazy and overused term, which is why you’ve probably read it more in Football Daily than anywhere else. But in the case of Liverpool’s title-clinching win over Spurs there were actual tremors at Anfield. Thankfully, for Mohamed Salah and co, they weren’t created by giant man-eating worm-like creatures chewing up the earth below Liverpool 4. Nope, the seismic activity was generated by dismayed Evertonians smashing crockery joyful Liverpool fans roaring their team on to the first league title they have witnessed in person since 1990. Yep, scientists from the University of Liverpool were on site on Sunday to measure ground movement from the 60,415-strong crowd throughout the 5-1 win and the data revealed that the most significant tremor was caused by Alexis Mac Allister’s strike in the 24th minute, which put Liverpool 2-1 ahead. It registered a peak magnitude of 1.74 on the Richter scale. “It is a great reminder that geoscience can capture the energy of human emotion in powerful and surprising ways,” roared Dr Farnaz Kamranzad. “Incredibly, we recorded six seismic events … every cheer, every celebration, leaves a trace beneath our feet, a seismic fingerprint of collective joy, written into the Earth’s memory long after the final whistle.”

Sticking with Liverpool, Arne Slot reckons those tremors could help attract transfer targets. “Winning the league, having these fans, this is a big attraction to every player we want to bring in” whooped Slot. “I don’t think I ever have to tell anyone again how special our fans are because that [celebration] was unbelievable.”

Did Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta find the Reds’ title win a hard watch? “Yes, big time,” he sniffed. “I understand that it’s a team who have been more consistent, they’ve had the ingredients to win it and it’s been painful.”

In news that may cheer Arteta up, Ousmane Dembélé may not be fit enough to play for PSG against Arsenal in the second leg of their Bigger Cup semi-final after twanging his right hamstring at the Emirates.

Joe Allen will have more time to spend with his beloved chickens after announcing he is retiring after Swansea’s match this weekend. The 35-year-old, who has made almost 600 career appearances and won 77 caps for Wales, said it was not a decision he has taken lightly but believes the timing is right. “When you’re getting to 35, you’re only getting worse,” he sighed. “There’s a line I didn’t want to cross in terms of the level of performance I can give.”

Spurs midfielder Lucas Bergvall is set to miss the remainder of the season – and a potential Bigger Vase final – after suffering ankle-knack against Bodø/Glimt.

In other knack news, Newcastle boss Eddie Howe reckons Joelinton will not play again this season after tweaking a knee.

Like many others, David de Gea is bemused by former teammate Antony’s transformation into a world beater. “I trained with Antony 1,000 times and he never scored a goal with his right foot in any training session,” honked De Gea, after Fiorentina’s 2-1 loss to Betis in Tin Cup. “I’m happy for him … now he’s showing the best of himself.”

And happy 50th, David Beckham! A damn fine footballer – and a man who wears undies, garish green suits and sarongs well.

It’s Friday, it’s a Premier League weekend, so here’s your usual 10 things to look out for, while Simon Burnton outlines